A bid for connection is any attempt to receive attention, interest, affection, reassurance or emotional support from your partner. It does not need to be a serious conversation or a romantic gesture. A bid can be as simple as sharing a thought, asking a question, making eye contact or reaching for your partner’s hand. These small moments matter because relationships are built through repeated experiences of being noticed, heard and emotionally acknowledged.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
The concept of bids for connection is associated with psychologist and relationship researcher Dr John Gottman. A bid is an attempt by one partner to create a positive connection with the other. The emotional message underneath the bid is often:
“Notice me.”
“Respond to me.”
“Share this moment with me.”
“I need your support.”
Some bids are direct, while others are subtle and easy to miss.
Examples of Bids for Connection
A partner may make a bid by:
- Asking how your day went.
- Sharing something that happened at work.
- Sending you a funny photograph or video.
- Commenting on the weather.
- Sitting closer to you.
- Making eye contact across the room.
- Reaching for your hand.
- Sighing after receiving a difficult message.
- Asking for advice or practical help.
- Suggesting that you spend time together.
The subject of the conversation may seem unimportant. However, the person may be asking for attention, companionship or emotional reassurance.
Why Do Small Moments Matter?
Emotional intimacy is not created only through holidays, anniversaries or major conversations. It develops through ordinary daily interactions in which partners repeatedly show that they are available and interested in one another. When a partner responds positively to a bid, the response communicates:
“I see you.”
“I am listening.”
“Your experience matters to me.”
These moments may last only a few seconds, but they can gradually strengthen trust and emotional safety within the relationship. A single missed bid does not usually damage a healthy relationship. The greater concern is a repeated pattern in which one partner regularly feels ignored, rejected or dismissed.
The Three Ways Partners Respond to Bids
Dr John Gottman identified three broad ways in which people respond to bids for connection:
- Turning towards.
- Turning away.
- Turning against.
Each response sends a different emotional message.
1. Turning Towards
Turning towards means noticing the bid and responding with interest, warmth or acknowledgement.
For example, your partner says:
“Today was exhausting.”
A turning-towards response might be:
“What happened?”
You do not need to solve the problem. Listening, asking a question or showing concern may be enough to create connection. Turning towards may include:
- Making eye contact.
- Putting down your phone.
- Asking a follow-up question.
- Smiling or responding with humour.
- Offering physical affection.
- Acknowledging your partner’s feelings.
- Giving your partner your attention.
Even when you are busy, you can acknowledge the bid by saying:
“I want to hear about this. Can I finish what I am doing and then give you my full attention?”
This response maintains the connection while setting a realistic boundary.
2. Turning Away
Turning away happens when a bid is ignored, missed or met without meaningful engagement. For example, your partner tries to show you something, but you continue looking at your phone without responding. Turning away is not always intentional. People may miss bids because they are tired, distracted, worried, working or managing family responsibilities. However, when bids are repeatedly ignored, the partner making them may begin to feel unimportant or emotionally alone. Over time, that partner may stop reaching out because previous attempts at connection have not received a response.
3. Turning Against
Turning against means responding to a bid with irritation, criticism, hostility or dismissal.
For example, one partner asks:
“Can we spend some time together tonight?”
A turning-against response might be:
“Why do you always need my attention?”
The original bid was an attempt to create closeness. The response turns it into a moment of conflict or rejection. When this becomes a recurring pattern, partners may find it increasingly difficult to communicate their needs openly.
Why Do Couples Miss Each Other’s Bids?
Couples often miss bids because emotional needs are not always communicated directly.
One partner may say:
“Look at that sunset.”
The comment may appear casual, but the person may be inviting their partner to pause and share a moment with them. Bids may also be missed because of:
- Work-related stress.
- Tiredness or poor sleep.
- Parenting responsibilities.
- Financial pressure.
- Phones and other digital distractions.
- Anxiety or emotional overload.
- Different communication styles.
- Fear of rejection.
- Difficulty expressing vulnerability.
- Previous relationship experiences.
One partner may ask directly for reassurance. Another may communicate the same need through humour, silence, touch or practical gestures. Missing a bid does not automatically mean that love or care is absent. It may mean that the emotional meaning underneath the words has not been recognised.
Listen for the Feeling Behind the Words
A bid often contains both a practical message and an emotional message.
For example, your partner says:
“I cannot find my keys.”
The practical message is that the keys are missing.
The emotional message might be:
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“I need some help.”
“Please stay with me while I manage this stressful moment.”
A connected response could be:
“I will help you look. You seem stressed.”
This response addresses both the practical problem and the emotional experience.
How to Turn Towards Your Partner More Often
Turning towards is not a fixed personality trait. It is a relationship skill that can be developed through attention and practice.
Put Down the Phone
Pause and look at your partner when they speak whenever possible. You do not always need to begin a long conversation. A short acknowledgement shows that you have noticed their attempt to connect.
Ask a Follow-Up Question
Show that you are interested by asking:
- “What happened next?”
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “What was the most difficult part?”
- “Would you like advice or would you prefer me to listen?”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
Follow-up questions help a practical exchange develop into an emotionally connected conversation.
Acknowledge Small Acts of Care
Notice when your partner makes you a drink, sends a supportive message or remembers something important to you.
You might say:
“Thank you for thinking of me.”
“I noticed what you did.”
“That made me feel supported.”
Acknowledgement prevents familiar acts of care from becoming invisible.
Respond to the Emotion
Try to listen for the feeling underneath your partner’s words.
A complaint may contain a request for reassurance.
Silence may communicate hurt or emotional overload.
An invitation to watch something together may be a request for shared time.
Rather than assuming, ask your partner what they need.
Make Your Own Bids Clear
Your partner cannot always interpret indirect signals accurately. Instead of waiting for them to notice that you are upset, say:
“I have had a difficult day and would appreciate ten minutes of your attention.”
Instead of saying:
“We never spend time together.”
Try saying:
“I miss feeling close to you. Could we plan some uninterrupted time this week?”
Clear bids make it easier for your partner to understand and respond to your needs.
How to Repair a Missed Bid
No partner will respond perfectly every time. What matters is whether couples can recognise disconnection and return to each other.
A simple repair can follow three steps:
Step 1: Recognise the Bid
“I can see that you were trying to connect with me.”
Step 2: Acknowledge the Impact
“I understand why my response felt dismissive.”
Step 3: Return to the Conversation
“I was distracted earlier, but I would like to hear what you were saying.”
Repair does not remove the original mistake. It shows that moments of disconnection can be recognised and addressed.
What Happens When Bids Are Repeatedly Missed?
When bids repeatedly receive no response, partners may gradually stop reaching for each other. Communication can become limited to practical subjects such as:
- Work.
- Children.
- Appointments.
- Household responsibilities.
- Finances.
- Daily schedules.
One partner may say:
“We never talk anymore.”
The other may feel confused because they communicate every day. The problem may not be the quantity of conversation. It may be the lack of emotional connection within those conversations. Over time, missed bids may contribute to loneliness, resentment, withdrawal and recurring arguments.
A disagreement about a phone, an unfinished task or a forgotten conversation may carry the emotional weight of many earlier moments in which one partner did not feel heard.
When Can Couples Therapy Help?
Couples therapy may be helpful when disconnection has developed into a repeated relationship pattern. Professional support may be worth considering when couples experience:
- Repeated arguments about not feeling heard.
- Emotional distance despite spending time together.
- Irritation when one partner asks for attention.
- Difficulty discussing needs without blame.
- Criticism, defensiveness or withdrawal.
- Conflict that escalates quickly.
- Reduced affection or emotional engagement.
- Difficulty repairing after disagreements.
- One partner repeatedly pursuing while the other withdraws.
- One or both partners no longer attempting to connect.
The purpose of couples therapy is not simply to decide who is right or wrong. Therapy can help partners understand what happens between them when they feel vulnerable, criticised, rejected or emotionally disconnected.
How Aimee Griffin Supports Couples
Aimee Griffin is a UKCP-registered integrative psychotherapist who works with children, teenagers, adults, parents and couples.
She offers a warm, thoughtful and non-judgemental therapeutic space in which emotional difficulties, relationship challenges and life transitions can be explored safely.
As an integrative psychotherapist, Aimee adapts therapy to the needs of the individuals or couple rather than using one fixed approach for every relationship. Couples therapy may help partners:
- Identify recurring communication patterns.
- Recognize bids for connection.
- Express emotional needs more clearly.
- Listen without immediately becoming defensive.
- Understand criticism, withdrawal or emotional reactivity.
- Explore the feelings underneath recurring arguments.
- Repair after conflict.
- Rebuild emotional trust and closeness.
The concept of bids for connection can offer couples a useful way to understand how everyday responses influence the emotional quality of their relationship. However, every relationship has its own history, pressures and communication patterns. Therapy provides space to explore these experiences in greater depth.
Couples Therapy in Esher KT10 and Weybridge KT13
Aimee Griffin Therapy provides support for people experiencing relationship challenges, communication difficulties, emotional distance and recurring conflict.
Therapy may also be helpful for couples who are not in crisis but want to understand each other more deeply and strengthen their emotional connection.
Support is available for clients in:
- Esher, KT10.
- Weybridge, Surrey, KT13.
- Surrounding areas of Surrey.
- Online, where appropriate.
Beginning couples therapy does not mean that a relationship has failed.
It can be a constructive step towards understanding repeated patterns, communicating more clearly and developing a more emotionally responsive relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are Bids for Connection Always Verbal?
No. A bid can be verbal or non-verbal.
It may involve eye contact, touch, facial expression, humour, tone of voice or body language.
Does Missing One Bid Mean the Relationship Is Unhealthy?
No. Everyone misses bids sometimes.
The overall pattern and the couple’s ability to repair disconnection are more important than one individual moment.
Is Asking for Space the Same as Turning Away?
Not necessarily.
Healthy space can be communicated clearly and respectfully.
For example:
“I feel overwhelmed and need thirty minutes to settle. I would like to continue this conversation afterwards.”
This creates a boundary without ignoring the relationship.
Can I Make a Bid Directly?
Yes. Direct bids can reduce misunderstanding.
You might say:
“I need some reassurance.”
“Could you listen without trying to solve the problem?”
“I would like some uninterrupted time with you.”
“I am feeling disconnected and would like us to talk.”
Is Couples Therapy Only for Relationships in Crisis?
No. Couples may begin therapy to improve communication, understand repeated patterns, strengthen their connection or prepare for an important life transition.
Couples do not need to wait until problems have become severe before seeking support.
Notice the Reach and Turn Towards
Relationships are shaped through thousands of ordinary interactions.
A question, smile, sigh, shared observation or hand reaching across a table may be an invitation to connect.
No partner will notice every bid.
However, learning to recognise more of these moments, respond with curiosity and repair the bids that are missed can strengthen emotional connection over time.
For couples seeking relationship support in Esher KT10, Weybridge KT13 or the surrounding Surrey area, Aimee Griffin Therapy offers a supportive space to explore communication, emotional needs and recurring relationship patterns.
Notice the reach.
Turn towards.
That is where connection begins.